God designed your brain’s memory system to heal the pain of your past. Here’s how it works!

Lessons in Pain and Anxiety

Most of us have had them. Those moments when we felt fear, anxiety, shame, or helplessness and we decided somewhere deep in our soul we won’t be OK if we ever feel that again or that it proved something terrible about our deepest selves. So we try to avoid people and situations that might result in the same feelings. Sometimes that means trying to avoid nearly everyone. Alternatively, we sometimes try to control others to prevent the possibility of ever being hurt again. It’s as if we become imprinted with an emotional lesson that then controls our feelings and responses to any similar situations in the future.

Bob’s Story

It can be as simple and as humiliating as Bob getting so nervous during a second grade presentation in front of class that he wet his pants and determined he would never again let himself be the center of attention. That wasn’t such a terrible decision at first, getting through grade school sitting in the back row, never raising his hand (even when he knew the answer), and always supporting others in doing the talking during group projects was enough to keep him in his safe zone most of the time.

High school was a bit harder especially with his passion for basket ball coupled with his obvious talent. But he managed to always avoid actually saying anything simply by smiling broadly and walking away quickly, though at times this did create some problems between him and his coach. As collage and possible careers loomed on his young adult horizon, he discovered he had a great interest in investments and finance. While all of his professors would tell you he was a great student and borderline brilliant in his understanding, his grades took significant hits when he called out sick whenever he was scheduled to make a class presentation. But he managed to graduate with middle of the road marks despite losing nearly every point for any public presentation, a testament to his strong performance in the rest of his assignments.

But now as a young professional, he is really feeling the boundaries of his fear restricting his success. He was blessed to discover a new formula for predicting stock price changes and had a very successful result after a six month trial. But with that success came public praise from his bosses and even worse, multiple requests for him to provide training on his method to other brokers. It is a huge opportunity for his career but absolutely terrifying for the wet second grader who entrenched his fear by avoiding public speaking for over 20 years.

Juanita’s Story

The effect of past painful events can be much more complicated as Juanita’s story illustrates.

For as long as she could remember, she just never felt good enough. As she grew older she developed some pretty high level computer skills and was considered one of the best in her area but that didn’t change the sense that she was just a bother to anyone she might want to talk to. She assumed that the only reason someone would ever want to be with her was because they wanted something from her. She found it hard to believe that anyone could enjoy spending time with her just because they liked her. Such feelings and beliefs made friendships difficult at best and she avoided social events because she felt no one would find anything she had to say interesting.

While still young, Juanita had several significant events that contributed to her sense of being unimportant and not good enough in addition to being shuffled around from family member to family member like a piece of old furniture no one really wanted but everyone was afraid to throw out. However the first time she could remember feeling unwanted was when her mother left while she stood at the screen door screaming for her not to leave her. Around age two.

The Brain’s Memory System in Five Paragraphs

While life can deliver some truly hard knocks, God has designed our brain and body with the ability to heal. In simplified form, our brains use a system of storing our memories similar to files on a computer.

A memory is encoded in a specific set of neurons (brain cells) and when we are not actively focusing on that memory (remembering) the information sits there with no significant changes. However, when we focus on and recall the memory, it is like opening a file on your computer. With the file open you can edit and change the contents of the file. Once you save the file it goes back to being fairly static and unchangeable. This process is referred to as memory reconsolidation.

As it turns out our memory files store much more than simple facts about an event. They also store the emotions and physical sensations connected to the event and vey importantly, also the felt sense about whether an event was safe or threatening. These “extra” pieces of memory information are what bring a smile to our face recalling the first time we kissed that special person, or a jolt of excited adrenaline remembering an especially thrilling roller coaster ride.

It is also these “extra” memory pieces about our emotions and felt sensations that act as an automatic alarm trigger warning us when any new situation looks, smells, feels, or seems similar in any way to previous events we felt were dangerous. One of the ways this helpful quick warning system can be misunderstood is that our brain triggers a very similar warning response for emotionally dangerous situations as it does for potentially being eaten by a zombie kind of situation.

Because of the similarity in responses, situations where we have a risk of being rejected as a friend or thought of as stupid or weird can trigger anxiety similar to an actual life threatening event. But it isn’t just anxiety that can be triggered; shame, hopelessness, embarrassment and worthlessness can also be triggered by our brain perceiving a current or future situation as being similar to an event where we experienced those emotions before.

Can These Emotional Lessons from the Past be Unlearned?

One of the best opportunities for change is in the ability of your brain to edit or change the contents of the memory while you have the file “open” (actively remembering). You can change the felt sense of the memory by adding in new information while you are actively remembering (have the file open) the event.

The most effective information to add is the type that offers your brain a felt sense of proof that what you thought was true in that situation was not or an alternative way to think about the situation that feels true at a gut level. There are several techniques that can be used to add in the new information but Christian EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques from a Christian perspective) is one I have found that works very well and has become my specialty.

Here is an outline of how Christian EFT could greatly reduce the distress of our two friends Bob and Juanita:

EFT Helps Bob Become a Star

Using the EFT methods (click here for a Free Christian EFT Mini Training which explains all the basics) Bob could mentally go back to that humiliating day in school while tapping nine acupressure points in sequence. As his brain activates the specific neurons holding that memory and opens the file, the tapping adds in new information in the form of a felt sense of calm. This helps his brain to reassociate a feeling of calm safety with the memory rather than panicky fear. With the use of spoken set up statements and reminder phrases his brain is prompted to look at the situation from a different perspective.

During the process he realizes that even though he had felt so humiliated he thought for sure no one would ever be his friend, it was just the next year he met his lifelong best friend. Further, while he had felt so weird he was sure no one could ever accept him again, he sensed the realization that Christ loved and accepted him so deeply He died for him wet pants and all. Finally, while it had felt like he was going to die at the time, he “discovered” he had actually survived, giving him a felt sense that public speaking couldn’t be as dangerous as he had thought it was.

Bob worked with a skilled EFT practitioner for four sessions to reach the felt understanding that it was OK to speak in public. With a couple more sessions while he started practicing his public presentations he was able to start the staff training his boss had wanted him to do.

Juanita Discovers Christian EFT and an Unexpected Sense of Being Loved

With the numerous painful experiences which lead Juanita to a deeply felt belief she had no value or worth her journey to complete healing was longer than Bob’s and while EFT played a big and important role, she gained strength and confidence from other sources as well, especially her greater felt confidence in her faith and Christ’s love for her.

A giant step toward building her sense of being wanted came in her third EFT session where she tapped on her memory of being abandoned by her mother. As she tapped long forgotten bits and pieces of the event began to surface. She was startled to recall that her father had threatened her mother and forced her to leave.

In fact she had the great sense her father had threatened to kill her if she tried to take Juanita. Suddenly she realized her mother had never wanted to leave her. She was actually escaping an abusive husband and only left Juanita because she thought her father would kill her if she tried to take her.

With the new understanding her mother actually loved and wanted her, Juanita started to feel it might be possible for others to like her just for her. Her social interactions and confidence began to increase and having discovered that her mother had never wanted to leave her, she also started to feel it was possible Christ actually loved her too! That felt sense of being important to God became an ongoing source of strength as she ventured further out into the world of friendship and connectedness.

EFT Harnesses the Power of God’s Design to Free People Like You From the Pain of Their Past

Bob and Juanita’s stories are mostly fictional but they illustrate some actual experiences my clients have had and common patterns that occur using EFT. No method is a cure all and EFT seldom completely rewrites incorrect emotional lessons from the past in just one session. But Christian EFT is a powerful tool to guide the memory reconsolidation process into rewriting your feelings and responses to your past so you can live freed from your past, free for a life that matters!